gleek on the fear

all you yokos out there you know what i mean. you fight over the laptop with your kids b/c y'all want to wallow in the depths of netflix instant while daddy's gone. girls. make it stop. it is an evil monster that will suck your life away. it will not fill the aching gaping hole in your soul. try to turn it off. don't let him be the only one who produces anything out there. you exist. you are made in God's image. do something. do anything. you can do it i know you can.

why do i always wait to do what i want to do? why do we always have the cash for a new amp or a motorcycle and not for my stuff that i want? its not that josh says no. he would never say no. its always that i decide its not important, that i have too much to do, that its better spent somewhere else. but why are my things subservient to everyone else's? is it because the moment we become moms we think all of our creative output is lame and pastel-colored so we stop trying? really its because i'm scared to make crappy crap. i spit on that thought. i wont concede. being a mom is heartaching and life-altering. i will act accordingly. i will crank out some of what i've got.

(here's a kooky example: i have wanted a pottery wheel for 10 years. doesn't everyone? my friend even has a kiln. why don't i own one? when do i get what i want? why am i waiting for something to start so i can do what i want to do instead of watching a movie about it? i will go on craig's list and look for pottery wheels. i like the pottery so what?)

creating art has so much to do with confidence. when josh gets an idea for a song, he retreats to the van with his acoustic and works it out. he takes it to the band, they practice it and like 2 seconds later its on their next record. that amazes me- that he doesn't question his output, doesn't question whether people will think the song sucks or not. he just writes it, rehearses it, records it. where is the fear? where is the insecurity? nowhere. well, finally, at long last, its nowhere for me too. goodbye fear. you suck eggs. i kick you in the teeth. i bury you deep in my substrata. i gleek on you. i will sell a guitar and get a pottery wheel. i wont be just another yoko.